Moms need to say sorry too.

Our little family has been batteling an epidemic of conjunctavitis aka "pink eye" aka "stink eye" for the past 2 weeks. First London came down with it, swollen eyes, red with all the gross eye boogers, then shortley followed Mason who missed a week of school due to it and then Rowan. I was in the clear and so was my husband. They passed it back and forth for the 2 weeks, one would be fine for 2 days then it would hit again. I was washing everything and still couldn't rid our home of this nastiness. We couldn't go anywhere, we litterally almost ran out of groceries at one point. The kids HATED the eye drops, I mean full on battle when it came time for the meds. They would run scream cry and hide under Rowan's crib. So I tried out the drops and they didn't even burn! so then I was super irriated that they were going through this dramatic meltdown each time because it didn't even hurt! I disshed out some discipline due to it. Then bam! Friday I wake up in the middle of the night with burning watery eyes go into the bathroom and look in the mirror and I looked like I was intoxicated. It was disgusting! Thank God we had the medicated drops already in the house, but I was worried to even drive anywhere in case I got pulled over because I was so sure that the police officer would think I was high or drunk, it was awful. So I went to put in the drop and OH MY FREAKIN GOSH it burned soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. See, the drops don't burn when you don't have it, but when you do it's bad. I had to go to my children and apologize for being so mean and non compassionate about how it was hurting them, because truthfully, I wanted to scream and hit someone too when I put them in my eyes.

I feel like I have to do that a lot, apologize that is. Sometimes I lose my cool and let myself get to the point of being miserable and spent and I yell at my kids, or ignore them wanting to play with me so I can get some facebook time in or reading blogs, I discipline the wrong child, I get mad when medicine is buring their eyes, and so on. I am only human, and I make mistakes every single day, but there is always a time for apologizing and explaining how what I did was wrong and asking my children to forgive me. Just because you are the parent doesn't mean that what you do is always right.

*note to self* do not match your lipstick to your sick eyes

our baby is a........

girl.


a girl, a sweet baby girl.


I AM SO FLIPPIN' EXCITED.




I know, I know, the gender was supposed to be a surprise. But after our deliverance of bad news at the ultrasound, I asked her if she saw what we were having and she looked at me and said "a princess". I had happy tears before the sad freaked out tears started.
I felt so guilty for finding out though because Joe was really looking forward to being excited about it being a surprise at delivery.
I had to think of a way to make it special. I hurried home to my pink-eyed children and told them we had to make a special cake to tell daddy. I was so low on pantry items, I had to get super creative and didn't want to venture out in the cold with my daughter's green eye boogers. So we made a sign that said "Boy or Girl??" and then we made a small cake with strawberry filling (thank god for my smoothie cravings and having frozen strawberries) I was out of eggs, so I made it vegan with applesauce in place of the eggs, and almond milk for the milk. We frosted it, threw a ton of multi colored sprinkles on it and put a big giant question mark on it with red frosting. Then we used little paper banners that said " strawberry filling for a girl" "blueberry filling for a boy". Totally makeshift, but it was sweet and made with great intentions. Joe was so sad from the news of the baby so when he came home and saw it when he walked in he was like "oh my God you know? you know really?" and I said "yes" he ran to that cake and cut it so fast! and then he was so happy. I didn't get pictures of the reaction because I was so caught up in the moment of it all. A very special time for us. We are very lucky and blessed people, because we have gotten exactly what gender we wanted with each child. Boy Girl Boy Girl. Perfect. I have already planned out the nursery, she will be sharing a room with her big sister. London is so super excited! She said " now I have a baby sister of my very own for my room" and I said " she's not a decoration London" and she said " well Mason can have Rowan now" hahaha they fight like cats and dogs, she easily gave him up. So here is our happy happy happy news. I wanted to try and wait and not tell anyone till the baby was born, but hey everyone knows I have a big mouth. We waited to share the news with our family till tonight at Sunday family dinner, so now it's fair game for the rest of the world to know. As for names, Joey really wanted to name the baby Finley for either gender. But I feel that is a boy name, you know Fin for short. And I don't like it.  My other choices when I had London were June, Ruby or Fiona and I am really leaning towards Ruby. Ruby Lane. I also like Norah a lot. But when I told London the choices she said "RUBY! like Max and Ruby!!!"
too. cute.

baby room and kid room ideas!

OK since my last post was so heavy, I'll post a fun one. It's about baby and kid room ideas for our home, that's fun isn't it?

So these are some rooms that I LOVE via ohdeedoh.com

Joe will be making these for the boys room!

I love EVERYTHING about this room, the hanging beds, the colors, the simplicity. Love it. And...it was built by the kids dad, all materials purchased at Home Depot!

This room is awesome too. When the new baby comes, he/she will be co-sleeping in our room because of breastfeeding and just peace of mind. But as far as sharing a room space, we aren't sure who's room they will be in! London's room is super small, and the boys room is a long rectangle. Joe had suggested taking out the closet doors and building a bed in the closet to save space. The room below really shows a  great way to do that, and the dad built it all himself. 

I love the use of space in a rectangle shaped room, plus the modern & vintage feel to it. 

I am re-doing London's room with a vintage quilt that my great grandmother started before she passed. It is white with red rosettes and the room will be painted robin's egg blue on top and the wainscoting an antique white to match her furniture. The next room shows very closely to what I am looking for in London's room, and if we have another girl what the room would look like for two. I would personally add a few more feminine touches, because London is a girly girly girl.

So the next rooms, are just great rooms that were featured on the site that I love and I got some inspiration for the new rooms from. What so fun about kids rooms, is that it can be 100% done by you, with a little bit of creativity,  a little recycling, a little antiquing, you can have a completely unique creative space for your kids that doesn't have to break your wallet & doesn't have to be "themed" or look like you copied the entire thing from Target. Even though, I do love Target.....everyone does right?

being pro something.

This is a story of how I became pro-life.

I have always been on the socially liberal side of things. Always. You know how you are just something, well that was me. I could care less if gay people got married, I could care less what people did with their own bodies. So even though, some choices people make are definitely not the right ones for me, I have always voted on the liberal side of things because I like to make my own decisions and have never had any desire to make life decisions for others.

That was until my ultrasound this last Tuesday, the 4th.
It was just supposed to be the typical diagnostic ultrasound they do around 20 weeks (Im 18 weeks). Im always excited to see my little bean on the screen. But after the tech spent 45 minutes staring at my babies heart, I knew something wasn't right. I saw the four chambers, I saw it beating, I knew the baby was alive so after not being able to stay quiet any longer, I asked "do you see something wrong?" And she looked at me and said look at the bottom chamber, do you see that? and I did. The other three chambers were clear and pumping together, but this one was clouded, like it was filled with something. She said I dont know what it is, it could just be nothing my machine isn't that great. Then turned on the light and said let me get your midwife.

Longest 3 minutes of my entire life.

Midwife came in, she asked whats going on with this ultrasound, and I told her what the tech said. And she showed me the report and it said "mass found in heart". She said, "I am not worried, Nichole, don't be a worrier Nichole" I said I wasn't worried, and she told me that the ultrasound machine is not the best quality and that the ultrasound tech is always seeing things and that she is not sure if that makes her a good tech, or not. Because 99.9% of the time, it is nothing. So I felt reassured, I walked out to my suburban, got inside, started it, started to back out, then stopped and began bawling my eyes out. My whole body was shaking and I couldn't control it. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. I called my grandma, she couldn't even understand what was mumbling out of my mouth. I had to stop and breathe and explain to her and she cried with me.  She told me that there is nothing that I can do, and that God allowed me to be pregnant with this baby for a reason and that I need to just trust Him and my body to take care of this baby.

The office called me and they scheduled me an appointment with a perinatologist in Fresno, named Dr. Woods and I will be having a 4D ultrasound to examine the heart development on Monday, the 10th.

This has now been the longest week of my life, ever.

I want to be able to say, "oh I'm sure nothing is wrong, and that it is just shadow in the ultrasound" but I can't. I'm worried sick and it consumes my thoughts all day long. I think of how serious it could be if it is something, or if the baby is going to need surgery, or if things are just not going to be ok. I think of the kinds of scars that heart surgery leaves, the thought of my baby just not being ok is so emotionally overbearing to think of.  My grandma asked if they mentioned terminating the pregnancy? and I said no, she would never mention that to me. And she said " well, babies are killed every day for less" and it made me sick to my stomach to think that  could be an option for my child. So Tuesday, the 4th, at the age of 25 and a mother of 3, almost 4, I decided that I am not longer a pro-choice woman, that I am now officially pro-life.

So we are still waiting for that exam to happen on Monday. I am trying my best to have some peace about it. I've never prayed more or harder in my entire life. And I would appreciate if you people reading this could keep my family in your thoughts and prayers and I will let everyone know what we find out.
If it turns out to be nothing, and I'm sure I will feel ridiculous for being so emotional and worrisome but at least my eyes were opened to something that they were not before.

                                                                     18 weeks, 5 days

16 weeks.

I am officially 16 weeks! aka 4 months. only 24 weeks to go, or really 22 because cesareans are planned 2 weeks early. I am feeling much better now than I was in the first trimester. I get mild bouts of nausea and not even on a regular basis. My tummy is sticking way out now, and the only real complaints are headaches if I skip out on coffee in the morning, and my chest hurts a lot, aka my girls. I was so worried that I gained a ton of weight this month. MIQ had their See's candy sale, and I ordered like 4 boxes of stuff and snacked on that this whole last week. But when I got on the scale this morning at the midwife appointment, it said I had gained .6 of a pound from last month, I can handle that! My first 3 months I gained 6lbs and freaked out, because I'm not this skinny girl who needs to go eat a sandwich or two. But the only thing that I could keep down was starchy foods. I also felt the baby kick for the first time 2 nights ago. It actually woke me up, and I didn't know what woke me up at first until he/she did it again. It was a great feeling and a good excuse to be woken up, good confirmation that the baby is well. We made an appointment this last Friday to find out the gender of the baby, but at the last minute we decided that we wanted this baby to be a surprise. I've always wanted to do that but could never do it. This is also the last baby *tear* so it will make it super special. I am also having a tubal ligation done so immediately following my cesarean that procedure will take place and I think that the excitement from seeing our new baby for the first and finding out the surprise of the gender will keep my mind off of the fact that I am being "fixed". *double tears* It's sad to think about. Having a baby is a rite of passage for a woman, and my children are amazing but it is time to move onto the next stage in our lives. Even though, I could totally have 6 kids and be fine with it, maybe even 7 if we have a big house out in the country.........:::sigh:: well there can be that house one day, and there can always be adoption, or I can just be satisfied with the fact that I have been blessed with 4 children. I am also on the fence with names again. I so wanted to have a daughter to name after my great grandma June, and I know Joe wants to use the name Finley. But frankly, I'm kind of not ok with naming a baby after a baseball player, especially one who's first name is Chuck, and second of all isn't even Joe's favorite pitcher. So we are back to square one for baby names. great.

Here is a photo taken via photo booth and let me tell you: it is deceiving! I clicked one time and bam! it took a skinny photo of me pregnant! And lets just be honest, I am much bigger than that.  I should retake it, but yea right.

mommy fears.....

I'm terrified of sharks.
and spiders.

but my biggest fear, is being a bad mom.
when I would let that area of my mind take over, it was extremely overwhelming.
I come from an unconventional family and I sometimes wonder if I have the ability to be the kind of mom I need to be.
Let me rephrase that.....unconventional is hippies raising their kids on a compound, my story is just  dysfunctional. Both of my parents were addicts, my mom to drugs and my dad to alcohol.
There's my dirty laundry people.
While my grandmother did a great job of being both my mother & father, it wasn't like I was oblivious to the situation that my parents had created for me. I didn't have the memories of a mother and father making decisions together to raise a family. I didn't have the security of knowing that my dad had my back and was never able to say that I was a daddy's girl. I didn't have my mom to shop for a prom dress, or to hold me when cried from a heartbreak. I always saw my cup as empty even though I did have my Grandma, and she filled those shoes and she did it well.
It has created some major insecurities with me.
Even though I constantly tell myself that I am not my parents, I am not my parents,  there is still that doubt in my mind that wonders if my children are going to look back on their childhood and think of it as great, loving and secure. I wondered why God thought I would be a good person to have 4 kids?
I try to think of the things that I am already getting to be a part of with my children that mine missed and I do feel like I have accomplished so much. And even though I will never be described as the girl who comes from a good family, my daughter will. These things help, but this struggle has been going on for years, until last night I had a change of heart.
I was at a Christmas dinner and the speaker was hilarious and I wasn't expecting to get much out of what she was saying. And then she began telling us of all the times life short changed her but how all of those shortcomings have been full filled by the grace of God. That while He was on the cross, that she was on His mind, and that He had a plan for her. Her message hit home.
It touched me so deeply, because I have dwelled on the fact that I have been short changed my entire life. I wasn't the girl with the good parents, the nice home, the good family. And until last night I didn't realize how paralyzing I have allowed this to be when really I shouldn't be dwelling on it at all. She also mentioned that when we dwell on these insecurities it give Satan the power to allow someone those insecurities to hurt us. I woke up this morning feeling renewed and like a huge burden has been lifted off of me. It feels great. And I'm not saying that I will never have those thoughts again but for now all I need to dwell on is that:
I am not parents.
I love my children.
I am a great mom.
I have a wonderful family.
My cup is full, not empty.
I have God's Grace.

silly kids.

With my FOURTH baby on it's way, I have had my fair share of curious questions from my children on how babies make their entrances, and exits. I've heard some pretty hilarious stories from my girlfriends on the things their children have said. But today, I made the mistake of watching A Baby Story. It is one show that I detest because it's the same thing over and over again....."baby is 1 day late, must induce with high dosages of pitocin, mom gets an epidural, labor slows down, more pitocin, baby goes into distress, mom gets a c-section" but today I just laid on the couch with London and watched the show. This episode actually ended in a natural delivery which was a nice change for the show and London went on and on about how we are going to have a new baby at our house too. Then about an hour ago, I walked by London's room. London was laying on her bed talking to her barbie about how she is pregnant and needs to poop out a baby to bring home. I laughed so loud, I startled her and it made her cry. I didn't even bother to correct her, because Mason had already ruined the whole baby out of vagina thing for me and I wasn't about to get into that with London.

Mason's story.

It all started with my pregnancy with Rowan. Mason was 4 and was in preschool at Lemoore Preschool.
We went to the Dr. for flu shots and Dr. Gage asked Mason if he was excited for the new baby to come. Mason said yes, and then asked Dr. Gage about how the baby comes out. Mason had never asked me this question before. Dr. Gage knew I was hoping for a VBAC so he just blurted out "well Mason, when the baby is good and ready he's going to come out of your mom's vagina". I just stared at him in anger with my mouth open. He told me it's natural and that I shouldn't lie to Mason. Mason never brought it up again. So thought that Dr. Gage was right. Then came the Christmas Party at Mason's class. One of the other moms was expecting too, a few weeks before Rowan and had just had her baby. The teacher had the class sitting down on the rug and was sharing the good news of Jacks new baby brother. Then Mason yells out "Did he come out of your mom's vagina?" Every mother, child, and teacher in that class looked at Mason in disgust and then looked at me like "who tells their 4 year old about their vagina" not me!!!!!! his dr. did I swear! Lets just say Mason didn't return there for pre-k the next year. Well my v-bac didn't go as planned and I ended up with a c-section. I was in a ton of pain, because I had labored for well over 11 hours first before the emergency cesarean and I thought that by me showing Mason my scar he would understand that he needed to be gentle with me and not jump on me like usual. So I called him in my room, showed him the line across my lower stomach and he said "oh so thats your vagina?"
He wasn't wrong for thinking that, thats how the baby came out and his pediatrician said the baby would make his appearance that way. I didn't correct him, because you know what? I will never ever have to worry about Mason knocking up a girlfriend in high school this way.
So now, I am a mother of a daughter who thinks she can poop out a baby.
And a son who thinks stomachs are vaginas.