16 weeks.

I am officially 16 weeks! aka 4 months. only 24 weeks to go, or really 22 because cesareans are planned 2 weeks early. I am feeling much better now than I was in the first trimester. I get mild bouts of nausea and not even on a regular basis. My tummy is sticking way out now, and the only real complaints are headaches if I skip out on coffee in the morning, and my chest hurts a lot, aka my girls. I was so worried that I gained a ton of weight this month. MIQ had their See's candy sale, and I ordered like 4 boxes of stuff and snacked on that this whole last week. But when I got on the scale this morning at the midwife appointment, it said I had gained .6 of a pound from last month, I can handle that! My first 3 months I gained 6lbs and freaked out, because I'm not this skinny girl who needs to go eat a sandwich or two. But the only thing that I could keep down was starchy foods. I also felt the baby kick for the first time 2 nights ago. It actually woke me up, and I didn't know what woke me up at first until he/she did it again. It was a great feeling and a good excuse to be woken up, good confirmation that the baby is well. We made an appointment this last Friday to find out the gender of the baby, but at the last minute we decided that we wanted this baby to be a surprise. I've always wanted to do that but could never do it. This is also the last baby *tear* so it will make it super special. I am also having a tubal ligation done so immediately following my cesarean that procedure will take place and I think that the excitement from seeing our new baby for the first and finding out the surprise of the gender will keep my mind off of the fact that I am being "fixed". *double tears* It's sad to think about. Having a baby is a rite of passage for a woman, and my children are amazing but it is time to move onto the next stage in our lives. Even though, I could totally have 6 kids and be fine with it, maybe even 7 if we have a big house out in the country.........:::sigh:: well there can be that house one day, and there can always be adoption, or I can just be satisfied with the fact that I have been blessed with 4 children. I am also on the fence with names again. I so wanted to have a daughter to name after my great grandma June, and I know Joe wants to use the name Finley. But frankly, I'm kind of not ok with naming a baby after a baseball player, especially one who's first name is Chuck, and second of all isn't even Joe's favorite pitcher. So we are back to square one for baby names. great.

Here is a photo taken via photo booth and let me tell you: it is deceiving! I clicked one time and bam! it took a skinny photo of me pregnant! And lets just be honest, I am much bigger than that.  I should retake it, but yea right.

mommy fears.....

I'm terrified of sharks.
and spiders.

but my biggest fear, is being a bad mom.
when I would let that area of my mind take over, it was extremely overwhelming.
I come from an unconventional family and I sometimes wonder if I have the ability to be the kind of mom I need to be.
Let me rephrase that.....unconventional is hippies raising their kids on a compound, my story is just  dysfunctional. Both of my parents were addicts, my mom to drugs and my dad to alcohol.
There's my dirty laundry people.
While my grandmother did a great job of being both my mother & father, it wasn't like I was oblivious to the situation that my parents had created for me. I didn't have the memories of a mother and father making decisions together to raise a family. I didn't have the security of knowing that my dad had my back and was never able to say that I was a daddy's girl. I didn't have my mom to shop for a prom dress, or to hold me when cried from a heartbreak. I always saw my cup as empty even though I did have my Grandma, and she filled those shoes and she did it well.
It has created some major insecurities with me.
Even though I constantly tell myself that I am not my parents, I am not my parents,  there is still that doubt in my mind that wonders if my children are going to look back on their childhood and think of it as great, loving and secure. I wondered why God thought I would be a good person to have 4 kids?
I try to think of the things that I am already getting to be a part of with my children that mine missed and I do feel like I have accomplished so much. And even though I will never be described as the girl who comes from a good family, my daughter will. These things help, but this struggle has been going on for years, until last night I had a change of heart.
I was at a Christmas dinner and the speaker was hilarious and I wasn't expecting to get much out of what she was saying. And then she began telling us of all the times life short changed her but how all of those shortcomings have been full filled by the grace of God. That while He was on the cross, that she was on His mind, and that He had a plan for her. Her message hit home.
It touched me so deeply, because I have dwelled on the fact that I have been short changed my entire life. I wasn't the girl with the good parents, the nice home, the good family. And until last night I didn't realize how paralyzing I have allowed this to be when really I shouldn't be dwelling on it at all. She also mentioned that when we dwell on these insecurities it give Satan the power to allow someone those insecurities to hurt us. I woke up this morning feeling renewed and like a huge burden has been lifted off of me. It feels great. And I'm not saying that I will never have those thoughts again but for now all I need to dwell on is that:
I am not parents.
I love my children.
I am a great mom.
I have a wonderful family.
My cup is full, not empty.
I have God's Grace.

silly kids.

With my FOURTH baby on it's way, I have had my fair share of curious questions from my children on how babies make their entrances, and exits. I've heard some pretty hilarious stories from my girlfriends on the things their children have said. But today, I made the mistake of watching A Baby Story. It is one show that I detest because it's the same thing over and over again....."baby is 1 day late, must induce with high dosages of pitocin, mom gets an epidural, labor slows down, more pitocin, baby goes into distress, mom gets a c-section" but today I just laid on the couch with London and watched the show. This episode actually ended in a natural delivery which was a nice change for the show and London went on and on about how we are going to have a new baby at our house too. Then about an hour ago, I walked by London's room. London was laying on her bed talking to her barbie about how she is pregnant and needs to poop out a baby to bring home. I laughed so loud, I startled her and it made her cry. I didn't even bother to correct her, because Mason had already ruined the whole baby out of vagina thing for me and I wasn't about to get into that with London.

Mason's story.

It all started with my pregnancy with Rowan. Mason was 4 and was in preschool at Lemoore Preschool.
We went to the Dr. for flu shots and Dr. Gage asked Mason if he was excited for the new baby to come. Mason said yes, and then asked Dr. Gage about how the baby comes out. Mason had never asked me this question before. Dr. Gage knew I was hoping for a VBAC so he just blurted out "well Mason, when the baby is good and ready he's going to come out of your mom's vagina". I just stared at him in anger with my mouth open. He told me it's natural and that I shouldn't lie to Mason. Mason never brought it up again. So thought that Dr. Gage was right. Then came the Christmas Party at Mason's class. One of the other moms was expecting too, a few weeks before Rowan and had just had her baby. The teacher had the class sitting down on the rug and was sharing the good news of Jacks new baby brother. Then Mason yells out "Did he come out of your mom's vagina?" Every mother, child, and teacher in that class looked at Mason in disgust and then looked at me like "who tells their 4 year old about their vagina" not me!!!!!! his dr. did I swear! Lets just say Mason didn't return there for pre-k the next year. Well my v-bac didn't go as planned and I ended up with a c-section. I was in a ton of pain, because I had labored for well over 11 hours first before the emergency cesarean and I thought that by me showing Mason my scar he would understand that he needed to be gentle with me and not jump on me like usual. So I called him in my room, showed him the line across my lower stomach and he said "oh so thats your vagina?"
He wasn't wrong for thinking that, thats how the baby came out and his pediatrician said the baby would make his appearance that way. I didn't correct him, because you know what? I will never ever have to worry about Mason knocking up a girlfriend in high school this way.
So now, I am a mother of a daughter who thinks she can poop out a baby.
And a son who thinks stomachs are vaginas.

frugal?

                                                                       (image source)

I need to try harder for that.
It has been almost a year since I have decided to be a stay at home mom. And you would think that the financial change would have changed our spending habits, but it really didn't.
I know money is a taboo subject. But it's part of reality, a huge part of it.
My husband and I had a heart to heart last night about some changes we need to make to make sure that we are saving more, and spending less. Especially with a new baby coming.
Joey works so hard, I mean super hard and he provides well for us. But because we haven't cut down on all of the extras sometimes it seems like we don't even remember where we are spending out money.
First thing we said, almost in sync was, "we have got to stop eating out so much!"
We spend hundreds on eating out each month. It's ridiculous, especially since I am such a great cook!
I haven't felt well these past couple of months due to morning sickness, so I used that as an excuse for not wanting to smell food or cook it. Besides the financial issue, it's very unhealthy and needs to stop asap.
One area that is totally my fault is that I almost always overspend on groceries. I buy stuff that we don't use, it goes bad, it goes in the trash and gets completely wasted.  I need to start doing more meal plans, and I need to make sure that I am only making one meal for dinner instead of 2 for the picky eaters at the table.
And also, like most married couples, we have our fair share of debt. We do not want to owe anyone money, it's a burden that doesn't have to be there. So part of getting our saving in gear is to use that to go towards being debt free on things such as credit cards. I know we can be debt free by this time next year if we try really hard at it and keep our spending on a much more realistic level. So this is where we are starting, hoping for positive changes, hoping to be able to put more money in our pockets and less wasted. So we are going on a serious budget this December!
If any of you have any money saving suggestions, or meal plan ideas that are family of 5 friendly, I am listening!

baby bump.

I had my 12 week appointment today with my midwife. I will actually be 12 weeks tomorrow. I was pretty anxious about this appointment because I have always shared my pregnancy news as soon as I found out. I just can't help it, I get excited. But the 12 week mark is a huge relief to make and the risks go much lower after. I laid on the exam table as she tried for a heartbeat. She kept on reassuring me that it is still early and can be difficult to find, then right as she was about to give up there it was! I let out a sigh of relief and a little tear :( I couldn't help myself. I am pretty sure we have decided on a name. We will use Finley as our name for either boy or girl. So far Joe, myself and London are rooting for a girl. Mason does not want another sister because he doesn't want to have to watch more girl cartoons on tv. Rowan doesn't have an opinion yet, but considering the way he beats on his big sister, I can guess his vote is boy. I am feeling much better, the nausea is no longer an all day affair.

Here is the bump:

12 weeks

I have a pretty good sized bump for 12 weeks, but hey this uterus has been used 4 times now, it knows what to do.

a grateful heart.

I grew up always feeling like the unlucky girl.
I had "absent" parents. I felt awkward, ugly and ashamed to come from a non traditional family.
I always felt that I didn't really know who I was.
I still sometimes ask myself that question, but in a more secure fashion.
Today, I still feel awkward, but I have embraced it. I no longer feel ugly. And I love and am so unbelievably grateful that my grandmother raised me and I feel no shame in telling people where I came  from.
Today, I am grateful that I made the mistakes I did, that I got pregnant at 18, that I had Mason,  he taught me to be selfless, to love with no boundaries. I grew up,  I learned from my mistakes, and I am proud to be his mother.
Today, I am lucky to have found Joe. That he loves me besides my many flaws, and that he not only fell in love with me, that he fell in love with my Mason and is a great step-father to him.
Today, I am in love with my daughter, and I cannot believe how wonderful she is and how smart she is. She is so kind hearted, it amazes me, she does not get that from her mother. She is truly a little princess.
Today, I have a red-headed son who was the biggest surprise, and has changed my heart in so many ways. He has taught me the value of time, and that no housework, or any activity has any importance over just sitting down with him and loving him and giving him the time he needs.
Today, I feel like the luckiest girl alive. That I have such a wonderful family, that I have such a gracious God who has blessed my life and given me more than I could ever imagine or deserve.

My heart is full, my heart is grateful.
This is my thanksgiving.

old maid.

I turned the big TWO FIVE on 11.11.10.

I'm pretty damn stoked on it too.
Why?
Because by the age of 25, I am already married with 3 children and 1 more on the way, and now I feel a sense of validation as an adult.
Because the mortgage, and 3 kids, 2 dogs and husband weren't enough. ha.

Sorry for the lack of blogs, I have been feeling truly awful.
Morning sickness is pure punishment of Eve.
This is my first pregnancy ever experiencing it and it blows.
I had no problem with Rowan keeping my weight gain low, 37 week in and only gained 14 lbs.
The only thing that is keeping me from barfing my brains out, or feeling like I'm going to all day is starchy food and I feel so gigantic. Some days on the scale it says I've gained 4 lbs, and sometimes it say I've gained 1. I don't pay attention to the one at the doctor's office because I've usually already eaten breakfast and lunch and have jeans and cute boots on so I know it's not accurate. My wedding ring doesn't fit me anymore, I look like I have sausage fingers.....gross. I was the same way with Mason, but my God, I ate everything in sight, everything. I'm hoping that now as I am inching my way closer to my second trimester that I will start feeling better and will want to eat less carbs and more fruits and veggies.
I've also been a total slob around my house. My house is like 90% tile, and the motion of mopping makes me vomit. My poor floors, and my poor children's dirty feet from walking on them. And don't even look in my oven, or my fridge for that matter.
oh. freakin. well.
On the bright side, I got some beautiful christmas decos from anthropologie for my birthday :) so gorgeous. And today, my wonderful Grandma Sharon is taking me shopping for the kiddos and myself. I've always dragged my birthday celebrations on for a week, I like to be adored and spoiled, it feels great. And I love Christmas, and I am probably the only person who asks for over priced christmas ornaments as birthday gifts. yup thats me.