past due.

Wow it's been almost 2 months since I have posted.
Life was been busy, in a good way.
I am almost 22 weeks into my pregnancy, feeling great just ginormous..... 5th pregnancy is no joke on the "I'm showing" meter.
Betsey celebrated her 1st birthday, my sweet girl.
Mason is out of school for the summer & finished baseball.
We officially started a homeschool curricula for London & Rowan, Heart of Dakota so far it's great.
It's 100 degrees already, I plan spending lots of time in the pool.

Well when I have some more time, I'll write about something with some more substance.

xoxo

Nichole

go clean your room!

We live in a 3 bedroom house. Pretty normal.
We have 4 kids, 2 boys, 2 girls. So originally we had girls in one room, boys in the other. But about 4ish months ago we moved all of the kids into one room aka "the sleep room" and moved all of their books, games, puzzles, toys into the other room aka "the play room". This has worked out really great for us. On the weeks that Mason is home from visiting his dad the kids all wanted to sleep on the bunk bed in the boys room at night to chit chat, giggle and hang out anyways and now with London sleeping in there she has her own bed and they still get to be together. Betsey was put into the sleep room a few months ago as well, and it's working out really well because they respect her sleep time and do not wake her up. Also as the younger ones nap it gives space to the older kids to get to play and read together. I am a big fan of children sharing rooms. It teaches them to share and to respect others space and belongings. It also helps the children hold each other accountable. Our children are young enough that having boys and girls in the same room is still appropriate. But the downfall is that there is a lot of stuff in the play room to clean up each day and this has become a huge deal to my kids. It takes them forever every day, lots of crying, whining and discipline involved.
Yesterday was no exception. Finally after the millionth time of disciplining, raising my voice ( fail ) my husband going in and doing the same thing (fail) . I finally just realized that my kids don't know how to organize and put things away the way I would like them. They have never been trained to do it. They have had their own rooms with the things split up so there wasn't as big of a mess to pick up. So I went in there and sat down and showed Mason the proper way to put the books away on the book cases. I showed London how to put the puzzles in their bins, the dolls in the other and her dress up clothes in the right spot in the closet. I showed Rowan where his dinosaurs go, and where the firetrucks go on the shelf. It took 20 minutes.
I realized how many times I get so frustrated with my kids over things that I have not take the time to sit down and properly train them how to do & complete. I just automatically assumed that they would know where everything went and how to put it back where it came from but after 10 hours of playing off and on in a room you forget and they are young. I had to apologize. Today they made a mess before breakfast and I said lets do a quick clean up, it was done.....quickly.
amazing.
I'm sure I will still have to remind them of how to do things, but that's my job...to train my children.

Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it"

the 5th means just as much as the 1st

I overheard a conversation of 2 moms at Mason's school on Friday that just really upset me. I just can't get it out of my head. They were really making fun of their sisters and brothers for having big families. They were saying such rude things. I just stood there wondering if people say the same thing about me for being pregnant with my 5th. And then I thought why is the world so against parents having children? Why is that people consider the first and second children such blessings but anything beyond that is just crazy and unwanted and merits rude comments like "don't you know how this happens" "better you than me". 


I was really sick last night. I couldn't keep my dinner down, and I woke up in the middle of the night completely sick again. This pregnancy has been a little hard in the morning sickness department. I feel really tired, a little grumpy and very nauseous. My house is falling apart, I'm going days without doing laundry which is catastrophic for a family of 6. I'm washing clothes then not putting them away and then I can't tell which clothes are clean or dirty and I refuse to do a "sniff" test. This morning around 3 I was sick again and I laid in bed and started crying. I starting telling God that I have no idea what He was thinking letting me get pregnant again. I told Him that there is no way that I can do this, that I can manage my house, that I can give my kids the attention they need and I will have nothing left for my husband. I cried really hard. I felt totally defeated. The comments of the ladies from Friday repeated in my mind. I began to feel that maybe those words were true. I ended up just crying myself to sleep. I woke up feeling the same feelings I had felt earlier. Then while getting ready, I began thinking of how God has a plan for my life. So I opened up my handy YouVerse bible app and searched "God's plan" and this verse popped up:
 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  (Jeremiah 29:11).


Exactly what I needed to hear and it gave me so much peace. 
And then right now I was reading a blog and the mother who has a large family wrote this and it totally encouraged me:


"God never gives us more than we can bear. And He knows I couldn't handle a large family. Truth is, none of us can really handle anything. Truth is, we are all flawed and it truly is only by His mercy that we move and breathe and have our being. Thus, it follows that if God chooses that you have one, three, seven, ten or *no* children, it will be truly by His grace and mercy and ultimately for YOUR good and HIS glory."


I'm a blessed lady. My children make me so happy and I know that being a mother and wife is a wonderful thing that maybe isn't valued enough by people, but it is valued highly by my God and that is good enough for me. Also.... laundry isn't the biggest deal in life right now and I don't know why I keep complaining of being tired, I've been tired since 2005 and I should be used to that. And I know that when this baby is here, all of these silly non important complaints will be exactly that....not important. My 5th child is just as important to me as my first, not a curse, not an inconvenience, not unwanted, but loved. 

hello insecurity.

I consider myself to be a pretty secure person.
sure I would love to lose weight, and have perfect hair and skin 24/7.....but who doesn't.
but there is one thing that bothers me the most, and eats away at me 2 weeks out of the month.
and that is having to share my son.
Mason spends every other week with his dad. He has been doing this for 3 years now, before that he lived with me and had frequent visitations with is dad, but was never gone for more than one night at a time.
It sucks so bad no having him here those weeks. Literally a person is missing from our family 1/2 of the year. I think about him every day and his brother and sisters miss him so much they both sleep in his bed when he is gone.
I hate sharing him. I hate him leaving. I hate eating dinner with his chair empty at the table, his seat empty in the car, I hate not being able to talk to him every day and wondering what happened at school, I hate missing out on hearing about his dreams when he wakes up,  I hate it all.
sharing Mason makes me feel insecure about my ability to be a great mom to him.
I'm not there for him 50% of the time and then the 50% of that time that i do have him, he is in school for half of the day. then i start to feel guilty about how much more time I spend with London rowan and Betsey and now the new baby too. mason will never get to have that from me and it breaks my heart.
and the devil preys upon this insecurity of mine, pushing it in my mind all the time, letting it linger there when the house is quiet. it makes me feel anger, jealousy towards his dad for getting that time with him that I so desperately want back. it makes me have to check my thoughts constantly when it comes to sharing school events with them, or hearing his step mom refer to my child as her own.
 One morning, I read Galatians 5... "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Galatians 5:16-24.
I wasn't even thinking about this issue when I read that, but the moment I got to the word "jealousy" then fits of anger...rivalries, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally just had to let it go. I literally ended up on my knees praying crying for God to help me feel whole in my relationship with Mason and to take  away those insecurities from my heart and mind. I had to repent of my anger and malice thoughts about the situation and those involved in it.
 I feel so free now. Sure they still creep up, but I feel more equipped now to just move past it.
This situation is a consequence of my sin of having a child before I was married. There is a reason why God's plan is so much better than what we decide to do on our own.  I love Mason so much, but having kids when you are not married is not ideal for this very reason.
Because of the situation being in our lives, it has opened up conversations with Mason about marriage and children and God's timing for those things in your life, which has been blessing to be able to show him with our own example of what happens when you go onto your own path and not God's but heart wrenching at the same time. He loves both of his families but he often talks about how he wishes things were the same for him as they are for his siblings. so sad.
I guess the reason for me writing this post is just to remind you that the feelings of inadequacy, anger, jealousy are just emotions. They aren't permanent, you can do something about and control. Repent for the anger and any wrong doings you have done and ask for God's help to lead you to move forward & you can feel a definite sense of peace in the situation.

xoxo
Nichole

my heart is content(e)

barefoot & pregnant in the kitchen...literally.

I realized today that I was pregnant last year on Valentines day, and this year I am pregnant again.
Yes, we are having another one, our 5th baby is due at the end of October.
Yes, this baby was planned.
No, I am not wanting a reality television show.
No, I am not crazy.
No, I do no want to be Michelle Duggar, even though I do like her show.
Yes, my hands are full, and they have been full since 2007.
Is it hard work? of course!
Is it worth it? you bet.
Will we have more kids? I don't know, we are taking it one cesarean at a time.
Oh and the last question that was asked on facebook.... how on earth do you afford it?
We just do. We always seem to manage and I never feel like we go without. Do we go out to dinner every night or drive a mercedes? No. Do I want that? No. I am very content with my life and what we have, and my children are happy. We don't view our kids as a financial burden, or something that we have to deal with. We love them. We are extremely grateful for them, and they bring us an insane amount of joy.
We are extremely excited. Our entire family is very excited for us. Our kids are so stoked. Mason wants another sister, and Rowan wants the baby to be a the pumpkin king (go figure) &  London keeps on saying I am having 3 boys.  It's starting to worry me because she flat out told me I was pregnant 2 weeks ago.

Me, Joe, Rowan & Betsey 2-14-11

be cheerful.

I'm tired, my house is messy, I have a teething very clingy 8 month old, my older children have already misbehaved and our dogs shredded hoses in the back yard. I felt very overwhelmed at 5 am this morning, when Betsey woke up and stayed awake. But, I decided to make the most of it, opened up my Bible did my devotion which was realllllly good on Philippians 2, started a load of laundry, made breakfast, caught up on reading some blogs and one of them stated this verse:


When a man is gloomy, everything seems to go wrong;
when he is cheerful, everything seems right!
~ Proverbs 15:15


How true is it that our attitude can change the entire mood for our household? Sometimes as a stay at home mom, we can feel very undervalued or under appreciated and that we don't make that much of an impact on our family. This is so untrue! Our roles as mothers and wives is a high calling, we are raising children, we are running a household 24/7, we are teachers, we are nurses. Do not undervalue the importance of being home with your children. God calls us to be makers of the home, "...encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home..." Titus 2:4&5. 
Any negativity you have with your attitude affects your entire household. No one enjoys to be around a grumpy person. My children & husband feed off of any negativity I have when I am in a bad mood. After reading that verse it really put some perspective on my feelings of being overwhelmed this morning. Yes, I have a lot to do today but that is ok and there is nothing wrong with that. My advice is when you are in a situation like I am today, put a smile on your face and let the small things be small things. Realize that sleepless nights are just a season in your life that will soon pass, find joy in cleaning your home, even if it is just to get messy again because we clean our homes for others to enjoy too. Remember to be encouraging of right behavior when you discipline your children & have a smile on your face when your husband comes home from work.....it will make a difference. 

my lovie.

(ok totally posted this 55 minutes early)
Today is Mason Alexander Paulo's 7th birthday.
7.
like in 3 more birthdays he will be 10. like in 2 more 7's he will be 21. ok i just need to stop.
these past 7 years have been the best 7 years of my life.
all of my children are such blessings, each one of their birthdays are exciting. there is something a little tad different about the first one and not that he means more to me or that i love him more because that is untrue. but when you start to reminisce about that first born, it hits you a little deeper in your heart.
he made me a mom.
i remember not being able to sleep the night before my cesarean because i was so nervous. i was nervous about the surgery, nervous that i wouldn't know how to be a mom, that i wouldn't feel that connection, that i wasn't going to do a good job. we got to the hospital at 6am, i remember stressing on what to wear and i ended up just wearing a long sleeved white shirt with gray yoga pants. i was scheduled at 8am. however, due to some emergencies i didn't go back to surgery till 12:30. the room was cold, sterile and my hands kept on shaking because i was so nervous.
dr. enloe said ok here he comes and i remember there being what seemed like an eternity before i heard him cry, and when i heard his cry, i began crying. shoot im crying right now just typing it out. they dropped the blue barrier and there he was, HUGE and with a scrunched up face and he still had yucky white stuff and blood on him. his dad had the camera to take pictures but he just stood there in shock staring at him like whoa this is my child, this is all real. Mason Alexander Paulo was born at 12:54pm January 25th 2005 weighing 9 pounds 15 ounces and 23 3/4 inches long.
the nurse brought him to me and I kissed him and he was taken out of the room into recovery. i had to sit in a separate room for over an hour before i could be reunited with him. cesareans really suck sometimes, but none the less he was born and it was still a very amazing experience. i love the early memories with him, our routines we had in the morning, letting him sleep on my chest at night because i was too scared to put him down, learning to nurse him and feeling amazed at how a mother body is and how it worked to provide for my child. i remember the first time he smiled at me, the first time he rolled over, ate rice cereal,  sat up all by himself, the first time he clung to my neck when i held him. I have these wonderful memories that will always be special to me because they were all firsts for me.

Mason grounded me. he helped me change from being a self centered teenager to a woman who had a purpose. it's just so unreal that it has been 7 years. it was just me and him for awhile, figuring life out. it's surreal to think of how far we have come since then. he is now a big brother to 3 siblings, a first grader who is so brilliant. Mason has this innocence about his personality. he just wants to be everyone's friend. he is such a little boy at heart. he loves being outside, he is full of energy and exuberant about life. he will tell you that his favorite color is blue or red but really it is pink and then he will argue with you that pink is a guy color and that it is totally fine that he loves it.  he loves comic books and gets mad at me when i take a black sharpie pen and color in a modest tube top over cat womans cleavage. he loves to read, he is really into chapter books now and is in the accelerated reading program at school. he loves to ride his scooter, play catch with Joe and look for bugs in the back yard. he is only 7 years old and already has his own personal relationship with Jesus and I love seeing it grow. i have always called mason my lovie. he was such a cuddly baby always wanting to be held, he could only sleep if i would lay down with him. when he got to be a toddler, he would stand there and said "i hold you i hold you" asking me to pick him up. we co-slept till i was pregnant with london. he still will come lay on my lap. each of my kids have a nickname that is exclusive to them, and mason's is lovie which is completely suiting to him.  i made up a song to sing to Mason when he was about 2 years old. it's called the Mason Paulo song....... so original, i know. he has now made variations for it for each of his siblings, but even rowan says hey lets sing the mason paulo song and then puts his own name into it. anytime he is in a bad mood or upset ill start singing the song and it almost always puts a smile on his face. mason is a big kid, who am i kidding? he is a giant and looks more like an 11 year old than a 7 year old. he eats like a horse and even loves vegetables like asparagus and brussels sprouts. however he doesn't like anything "spicy" and mild salsa is spicy to this kid. he loves to tell jokes, which most of the time aren't very funny but we still encourage him to try....he really wants to be a funny kid :) I love him, every little thing. he is one of the best things to ever happen to me and I love more than I will ever be able to describe on this blog.
Happy Birthday Mason.