realization.

My youngest son Rowan has red hair. With that ginger comes a temper like no ones business. He is 19 months old, and had never been much a cuddle baby but more of a stand offish tantrum thrower. It was to the point where Rowan would just be in a bad mood most of the day and the days were far and between that I could get him to give me a kiss or a hug. He was different than my other children, and I guess I just blamed it on the hair color.

One morning, I got out a dinosaur puzzle I had bought for him a few days before and sat down on the floor and showed him how to do it. It was one of the wood block ones with the photos on the board showing where the pieces go. At first, he didn't want to do it and just told me no. But I kept on going and getting excited every time I put the piece in its spot. He finally joined in, and he had so much fun and when he finished, he looked up and gave me a kiss. The good kind, you know with the mmmmmmmmmmmwwwwah at the end. He had the biggest smile, he climbed in my lap and sat there and did the puzzle over and over again. We just sat there, just the two of us and it was in that moment, that I realized that Rowan isn't just a grumpy child, Rowan is a child that needs more time with his mama.
I am totally crying as I type this out.
I feel like a total failure.
I probably shouldn't be blogging about this.

Rowan is the youngest of my three, and I feel like I let him get lost in the shuffle of raising his 5 year old brother and 2 year old sister. Why couldn't I have realized this 18 months ago.
Now don't get me wrong. I didn't just keep Rowan in a play pen all day and watch soaps on tv. I play with my kids, I'm a stay at home mom, I'm with my kids all day long. But it is a rarity to be alone with them individually, and this alone time is something that Rowan was desperately in need of. This incident happened about a month ago. In this past month, I have reworked nap times, and activities with the kids to make sure that I am spending alone time with all 3 of them. It is amazing, and each one of them is totally thriving from it. Especially Rowan, I feel like I am falling in love with my child all over again. My husband has noticed a huge change in him also. I get hugs and kisses all day long, and he follows me around like a little puppy
taking clean dishes out of the cabinet and putting them in the dishwasher as I'm loading it with dirty dishes from the sink. It's adorable.
I love it.
I love him.
And I am thankful for the opportunities to realize my shortcomings and the ability to change and be a better mom.

Monday:

Dr. Appointment 2:45.
Showed up a few minutes early, signed in, sat down.
Receptionist was friendly, she remembered me from my pregnancies.
Called in, weight...lost 2lbs yay!
Went over the usuals, you know what are you here for.
I got undressed, then the gown stuff.
Midwife came in.
Not my midwife.
I'm ok with that.
She said ok lets start your physical, oh wait why is that in here, are you getting your IUD removed.
I responded with yes.
*Normally, a physician or midwife sits and talks about the "stuff" before they get down to business, you know?
And she said "are you planning on getting pregnant
Me: "No"
Her: Well what is the reasoning
I went over everything, the depression, fatigue, the lack of drive, the bleeding and how much I just hated it
Her: sounds like your thyroid, go get a work up done and I can prescribe you an oral and that should reset your IUD and you should be fine
Me: Thank you for the information, but I want it out
*This is where it gets interesting
Her: OOOOOK, lets just say you get it removed today, and then in 5 months you realize what a big mistake you've made, you will not get another one ok? Because I will put it on your chart that you do not qualify, they are expensive, $810 to be exact
Me: I know how much it costs, I paid for mine
She looks down at my chart
Her: Oh, you are private, Oh I'm sorry Mrs. Contente
Me: I'm private?
Her: You aren't on Medi-Cal
Me: That's how you talk to women on Medical? Wow....
Her: Silence
*Then she's taking care of the business, I'm laying there, total awkward situation*
Her: So you have 3 children?
Me: yes
Her: I have 4, and I dont' know about you but there is nothing greater than when my husband can actually find the time to do a load of laundry
Me: My husband does all of the laundry
Her: *Silence*
Her: Even better when he can at least help with the bathtime
Me: We alternate nights.....
Her: Oh wow, seem's like you have it all together
Me: seems like it
Her: are you from here
Me: are you done?
*Silence*


Because after you have completely treated me like a second class citizen, I want to listen to you complain about your husbands involvement in your household and have small talk.
I got it out, it wasn't that painful, I feel pretty crampy etc.
I got my prescription for the pill. yay.