16 weeks.

I am officially 16 weeks! aka 4 months. only 24 weeks to go, or really 22 because cesareans are planned 2 weeks early. I am feeling much better now than I was in the first trimester. I get mild bouts of nausea and not even on a regular basis. My tummy is sticking way out now, and the only real complaints are headaches if I skip out on coffee in the morning, and my chest hurts a lot, aka my girls. I was so worried that I gained a ton of weight this month. MIQ had their See's candy sale, and I ordered like 4 boxes of stuff and snacked on that this whole last week. But when I got on the scale this morning at the midwife appointment, it said I had gained .6 of a pound from last month, I can handle that! My first 3 months I gained 6lbs and freaked out, because I'm not this skinny girl who needs to go eat a sandwich or two. But the only thing that I could keep down was starchy foods. I also felt the baby kick for the first time 2 nights ago. It actually woke me up, and I didn't know what woke me up at first until he/she did it again. It was a great feeling and a good excuse to be woken up, good confirmation that the baby is well. We made an appointment this last Friday to find out the gender of the baby, but at the last minute we decided that we wanted this baby to be a surprise. I've always wanted to do that but could never do it. This is also the last baby *tear* so it will make it super special. I am also having a tubal ligation done so immediately following my cesarean that procedure will take place and I think that the excitement from seeing our new baby for the first and finding out the surprise of the gender will keep my mind off of the fact that I am being "fixed". *double tears* It's sad to think about. Having a baby is a rite of passage for a woman, and my children are amazing but it is time to move onto the next stage in our lives. Even though, I could totally have 6 kids and be fine with it, maybe even 7 if we have a big house out in the country.........:::sigh:: well there can be that house one day, and there can always be adoption, or I can just be satisfied with the fact that I have been blessed with 4 children. I am also on the fence with names again. I so wanted to have a daughter to name after my great grandma June, and I know Joe wants to use the name Finley. But frankly, I'm kind of not ok with naming a baby after a baseball player, especially one who's first name is Chuck, and second of all isn't even Joe's favorite pitcher. So we are back to square one for baby names. great.

Here is a photo taken via photo booth and let me tell you: it is deceiving! I clicked one time and bam! it took a skinny photo of me pregnant! And lets just be honest, I am much bigger than that.  I should retake it, but yea right.

mommy fears.....

I'm terrified of sharks.
and spiders.

but my biggest fear, is being a bad mom.
when I would let that area of my mind take over, it was extremely overwhelming.
I come from an unconventional family and I sometimes wonder if I have the ability to be the kind of mom I need to be.
Let me rephrase that.....unconventional is hippies raising their kids on a compound, my story is just  dysfunctional. Both of my parents were addicts, my mom to drugs and my dad to alcohol.
There's my dirty laundry people.
While my grandmother did a great job of being both my mother & father, it wasn't like I was oblivious to the situation that my parents had created for me. I didn't have the memories of a mother and father making decisions together to raise a family. I didn't have the security of knowing that my dad had my back and was never able to say that I was a daddy's girl. I didn't have my mom to shop for a prom dress, or to hold me when cried from a heartbreak. I always saw my cup as empty even though I did have my Grandma, and she filled those shoes and she did it well.
It has created some major insecurities with me.
Even though I constantly tell myself that I am not my parents, I am not my parents,  there is still that doubt in my mind that wonders if my children are going to look back on their childhood and think of it as great, loving and secure. I wondered why God thought I would be a good person to have 4 kids?
I try to think of the things that I am already getting to be a part of with my children that mine missed and I do feel like I have accomplished so much. And even though I will never be described as the girl who comes from a good family, my daughter will. These things help, but this struggle has been going on for years, until last night I had a change of heart.
I was at a Christmas dinner and the speaker was hilarious and I wasn't expecting to get much out of what she was saying. And then she began telling us of all the times life short changed her but how all of those shortcomings have been full filled by the grace of God. That while He was on the cross, that she was on His mind, and that He had a plan for her. Her message hit home.
It touched me so deeply, because I have dwelled on the fact that I have been short changed my entire life. I wasn't the girl with the good parents, the nice home, the good family. And until last night I didn't realize how paralyzing I have allowed this to be when really I shouldn't be dwelling on it at all. She also mentioned that when we dwell on these insecurities it give Satan the power to allow someone those insecurities to hurt us. I woke up this morning feeling renewed and like a huge burden has been lifted off of me. It feels great. And I'm not saying that I will never have those thoughts again but for now all I need to dwell on is that:
I am not parents.
I love my children.
I am a great mom.
I have a wonderful family.
My cup is full, not empty.
I have God's Grace.

silly kids.

With my FOURTH baby on it's way, I have had my fair share of curious questions from my children on how babies make their entrances, and exits. I've heard some pretty hilarious stories from my girlfriends on the things their children have said. But today, I made the mistake of watching A Baby Story. It is one show that I detest because it's the same thing over and over again....."baby is 1 day late, must induce with high dosages of pitocin, mom gets an epidural, labor slows down, more pitocin, baby goes into distress, mom gets a c-section" but today I just laid on the couch with London and watched the show. This episode actually ended in a natural delivery which was a nice change for the show and London went on and on about how we are going to have a new baby at our house too. Then about an hour ago, I walked by London's room. London was laying on her bed talking to her barbie about how she is pregnant and needs to poop out a baby to bring home. I laughed so loud, I startled her and it made her cry. I didn't even bother to correct her, because Mason had already ruined the whole baby out of vagina thing for me and I wasn't about to get into that with London.

Mason's story.

It all started with my pregnancy with Rowan. Mason was 4 and was in preschool at Lemoore Preschool.
We went to the Dr. for flu shots and Dr. Gage asked Mason if he was excited for the new baby to come. Mason said yes, and then asked Dr. Gage about how the baby comes out. Mason had never asked me this question before. Dr. Gage knew I was hoping for a VBAC so he just blurted out "well Mason, when the baby is good and ready he's going to come out of your mom's vagina". I just stared at him in anger with my mouth open. He told me it's natural and that I shouldn't lie to Mason. Mason never brought it up again. So thought that Dr. Gage was right. Then came the Christmas Party at Mason's class. One of the other moms was expecting too, a few weeks before Rowan and had just had her baby. The teacher had the class sitting down on the rug and was sharing the good news of Jacks new baby brother. Then Mason yells out "Did he come out of your mom's vagina?" Every mother, child, and teacher in that class looked at Mason in disgust and then looked at me like "who tells their 4 year old about their vagina" not me!!!!!! his dr. did I swear! Lets just say Mason didn't return there for pre-k the next year. Well my v-bac didn't go as planned and I ended up with a c-section. I was in a ton of pain, because I had labored for well over 11 hours first before the emergency cesarean and I thought that by me showing Mason my scar he would understand that he needed to be gentle with me and not jump on me like usual. So I called him in my room, showed him the line across my lower stomach and he said "oh so thats your vagina?"
He wasn't wrong for thinking that, thats how the baby came out and his pediatrician said the baby would make his appearance that way. I didn't correct him, because you know what? I will never ever have to worry about Mason knocking up a girlfriend in high school this way.
So now, I am a mother of a daughter who thinks she can poop out a baby.
And a son who thinks stomachs are vaginas.