Tuesday, December 7, 2010

mommy fears.....

I'm terrified of sharks.
and spiders.

but my biggest fear, is being a bad mom.
when I would let that area of my mind take over, it was extremely overwhelming.
I come from an unconventional family and I sometimes wonder if I have the ability to be the kind of mom I need to be.
Let me rephrase that.....unconventional is hippies raising their kids on a compound, my story is just  dysfunctional. Both of my parents were addicts, my mom to drugs and my dad to alcohol.
There's my dirty laundry people.
While my grandmother did a great job of being both my mother & father, it wasn't like I was oblivious to the situation that my parents had created for me. I didn't have the memories of a mother and father making decisions together to raise a family. I didn't have the security of knowing that my dad had my back and was never able to say that I was a daddy's girl. I didn't have my mom to shop for a prom dress, or to hold me when cried from a heartbreak. I always saw my cup as empty even though I did have my Grandma, and she filled those shoes and she did it well.
It has created some major insecurities with me.
Even though I constantly tell myself that I am not my parents, I am not my parents,  there is still that doubt in my mind that wonders if my children are going to look back on their childhood and think of it as great, loving and secure. I wondered why God thought I would be a good person to have 4 kids?
I try to think of the things that I am already getting to be a part of with my children that mine missed and I do feel like I have accomplished so much. And even though I will never be described as the girl who comes from a good family, my daughter will. These things help, but this struggle has been going on for years, until last night I had a change of heart.
I was at a Christmas dinner and the speaker was hilarious and I wasn't expecting to get much out of what she was saying. And then she began telling us of all the times life short changed her but how all of those shortcomings have been full filled by the grace of God. That while He was on the cross, that she was on His mind, and that He had a plan for her. Her message hit home.
It touched me so deeply, because I have dwelled on the fact that I have been short changed my entire life. I wasn't the girl with the good parents, the nice home, the good family. And until last night I didn't realize how paralyzing I have allowed this to be when really I shouldn't be dwelling on it at all. She also mentioned that when we dwell on these insecurities it give Satan the power to allow someone those insecurities to hurt us. I woke up this morning feeling renewed and like a huge burden has been lifted off of me. It feels great. And I'm not saying that I will never have those thoughts again but for now all I need to dwell on is that:
I am not parents.
I love my children.
I am a great mom.
I have a wonderful family.
My cup is full, not empty.
I have God's Grace.