realization.

My youngest son Rowan has red hair. With that ginger comes a temper like no ones business. He is 19 months old, and had never been much a cuddle baby but more of a stand offish tantrum thrower. It was to the point where Rowan would just be in a bad mood most of the day and the days were far and between that I could get him to give me a kiss or a hug. He was different than my other children, and I guess I just blamed it on the hair color.

One morning, I got out a dinosaur puzzle I had bought for him a few days before and sat down on the floor and showed him how to do it. It was one of the wood block ones with the photos on the board showing where the pieces go. At first, he didn't want to do it and just told me no. But I kept on going and getting excited every time I put the piece in its spot. He finally joined in, and he had so much fun and when he finished, he looked up and gave me a kiss. The good kind, you know with the mmmmmmmmmmmwwwwah at the end. He had the biggest smile, he climbed in my lap and sat there and did the puzzle over and over again. We just sat there, just the two of us and it was in that moment, that I realized that Rowan isn't just a grumpy child, Rowan is a child that needs more time with his mama.
I am totally crying as I type this out.
I feel like a total failure.
I probably shouldn't be blogging about this.

Rowan is the youngest of my three, and I feel like I let him get lost in the shuffle of raising his 5 year old brother and 2 year old sister. Why couldn't I have realized this 18 months ago.
Now don't get me wrong. I didn't just keep Rowan in a play pen all day and watch soaps on tv. I play with my kids, I'm a stay at home mom, I'm with my kids all day long. But it is a rarity to be alone with them individually, and this alone time is something that Rowan was desperately in need of. This incident happened about a month ago. In this past month, I have reworked nap times, and activities with the kids to make sure that I am spending alone time with all 3 of them. It is amazing, and each one of them is totally thriving from it. Especially Rowan, I feel like I am falling in love with my child all over again. My husband has noticed a huge change in him also. I get hugs and kisses all day long, and he follows me around like a little puppy
taking clean dishes out of the cabinet and putting them in the dishwasher as I'm loading it with dirty dishes from the sink. It's adorable.
I love it.
I love him.
And I am thankful for the opportunities to realize my shortcomings and the ability to change and be a better mom.