I have always been on the socially liberal side of things. Always. You know how you are just something, well that was me. I could care less if gay people got married, I could care less what people did with their own bodies. So even though, some choices people make are definitely not the right ones for me, I have always voted on the liberal side of things because I like to make my own decisions and have never had any desire to make life decisions for others.
That was until my ultrasound this last Tuesday, the 4th.
It was just supposed to be the typical diagnostic ultrasound they do around 20 weeks (Im 18 weeks). Im always excited to see my little bean on the screen. But after the tech spent 45 minutes staring at my babies heart, I knew something wasn't right. I saw the four chambers, I saw it beating, I knew the baby was alive so after not being able to stay quiet any longer, I asked "do you see something wrong?" And she looked at me and said look at the bottom chamber, do you see that? and I did. The other three chambers were clear and pumping together, but this one was clouded, like it was filled with something. She said I dont know what it is, it could just be nothing my machine isn't that great. Then turned on the light and said let me get your midwife.
Longest 3 minutes of my entire life.
Midwife came in, she asked whats going on with this ultrasound, and I told her what the tech said. And she showed me the report and it said "mass found in heart". She said, "I am not worried, Nichole, don't be a worrier Nichole" I said I wasn't worried, and she told me that the ultrasound machine is not the best quality and that the ultrasound tech is always seeing things and that she is not sure if that makes her a good tech, or not. Because 99.9% of the time, it is nothing. So I felt reassured, I walked out to my suburban, got inside, started it, started to back out, then stopped and began bawling my eyes out. My whole body was shaking and I couldn't control it. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. I called my grandma, she couldn't even understand what was mumbling out of my mouth. I had to stop and breathe and explain to her and she cried with me. She told me that there is nothing that I can do, and that God allowed me to be pregnant with this baby for a reason and that I need to just trust Him and my body to take care of this baby.
The office called me and they scheduled me an appointment with a perinatologist in Fresno, named Dr. Woods and I will be having a 4D ultrasound to examine the heart development on Monday, the 10th.
This has now been the longest week of my life, ever.
I want to be able to say, "oh I'm sure nothing is wrong, and that it is just shadow in the ultrasound" but I can't. I'm worried sick and it consumes my thoughts all day long. I think of how serious it could be if it is something, or if the baby is going to need surgery, or if things are just not going to be ok. I think of the kinds of scars that heart surgery leaves, the thought of my baby just not being ok is so emotionally overbearing to think of. My grandma asked if they mentioned terminating the pregnancy? and I said no, she would never mention that to me. And she said " well, babies are killed every day for less" and it made me sick to my stomach to think that could be an option for my child. So Tuesday, the 4th, at the age of 25 and a mother of 3, almost 4, I decided that I am not longer a pro-choice woman, that I am now officially pro-life.
So we are still waiting for that exam to happen on Monday. I am trying my best to have some peace about it. I've never prayed more or harder in my entire life. And I would appreciate if you people reading this could keep my family in your thoughts and prayers and I will let everyone know what we find out.
If it turns out to be nothing, and I'm sure I will feel ridiculous for being so emotional and worrisome but at least my eyes were opened to something that they were not before.
1 comment:
nichole. i can't begin to express the joy in my heart over this post. my heart aches with you about your little one. i understand the agony mommies go through when their little ones aren't well. how all consuming the worry can be. i am filled with joy though, at your change of heart toward life. it's preciousness not because it's perfect or planned or whatever but because God says it's precious. Matthew 5 and 6 give me a lot of comfort when i'm going through a rough time. we will be praying for you and your little one.
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