Tuesday, February 28, 2012

hello insecurity.

I consider myself to be a pretty secure person.
sure I would love to lose weight, and have perfect hair and skin 24/7.....but who doesn't.
but there is one thing that bothers me the most, and eats away at me 2 weeks out of the month.
and that is having to share my son.
Mason spends every other week with his dad. He has been doing this for 3 years now, before that he lived with me and had frequent visitations with is dad, but was never gone for more than one night at a time.
It sucks so bad no having him here those weeks. Literally a person is missing from our family 1/2 of the year. I think about him every day and his brother and sisters miss him so much they both sleep in his bed when he is gone.
I hate sharing him. I hate him leaving. I hate eating dinner with his chair empty at the table, his seat empty in the car, I hate not being able to talk to him every day and wondering what happened at school, I hate missing out on hearing about his dreams when he wakes up,  I hate it all.
sharing Mason makes me feel insecure about my ability to be a great mom to him.
I'm not there for him 50% of the time and then the 50% of that time that i do have him, he is in school for half of the day. then i start to feel guilty about how much more time I spend with London rowan and Betsey and now the new baby too. mason will never get to have that from me and it breaks my heart.
and the devil preys upon this insecurity of mine, pushing it in my mind all the time, letting it linger there when the house is quiet. it makes me feel anger, jealousy towards his dad for getting that time with him that I so desperately want back. it makes me have to check my thoughts constantly when it comes to sharing school events with them, or hearing his step mom refer to my child as her own.
 One morning, I read Galatians 5... "But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Galatians 5:16-24.
I wasn't even thinking about this issue when I read that, but the moment I got to the word "jealousy" then fits of anger...rivalries, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I finally just had to let it go. I literally ended up on my knees praying crying for God to help me feel whole in my relationship with Mason and to take  away those insecurities from my heart and mind. I had to repent of my anger and malice thoughts about the situation and those involved in it.
 I feel so free now. Sure they still creep up, but I feel more equipped now to just move past it.
This situation is a consequence of my sin of having a child before I was married. There is a reason why God's plan is so much better than what we decide to do on our own.  I love Mason so much, but having kids when you are not married is not ideal for this very reason.
Because of the situation being in our lives, it has opened up conversations with Mason about marriage and children and God's timing for those things in your life, which has been blessing to be able to show him with our own example of what happens when you go onto your own path and not God's but heart wrenching at the same time. He loves both of his families but he often talks about how he wishes things were the same for him as they are for his siblings. so sad.
I guess the reason for me writing this post is just to remind you that the feelings of inadequacy, anger, jealousy are just emotions. They aren't permanent, you can do something about and control. Repent for the anger and any wrong doings you have done and ask for God's help to lead you to move forward & you can feel a definite sense of peace in the situation.


1 comment:

Mrs. Cheerio said...

Oh, this brought tears to my eyes! We have the EXACT same situation with our oldest daughter and it is sometimes so hard.

Thank you for your wisdom and encouragement! I really appreciate this post.