legally kidnapped.

I read this post today on facebook via a "friend" that I do not know personally at all. It broke my heart and I cried. I co-parent with Mason's dad. I do not have a story like this of an ex trying to take my child from me, rather quite the opposite. This past year and a half, we went from Mason living with me and having very frequent visits with his dad to his dad wanting to co-parent. He had every right to want that, but I couldn't fathom going a week without Mason. I threw a hideous fit, over exaggerated ill priorities, cried, yelled and had totally lost sight of what the true reason I was even upset about. Mason needs and deserves both parents equally in his life. We both love him so much, and want the best for him. But I, unfortunately, am a jealous mother, and I do not like to share my children. It's a character flaw, that thankfully, I overcame. We now co-parent and exist peacefully. But please, read this. Embrace it, and share it with your facebook page, your blog and over coffee in conversation with your family & friends....this mother & daughter deserve it.

Belinda Etezad RachmanFamily law attorney/mediator
Posted: June 15, 2010 02:36 PM
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Beware of Adversarial Divorce Lawyers: One Woman's Story

I don't' remember when or how I found The Bunny Cage blog, but upon seeing the provocative photography of this self-styled Cindy Sherman of Wyoming, I started following Sara LeeAnn Banevedes. It was hard to believe someone so hip was living in a small town writing such interesting stories and taking such revealing photos of herself. She was a sexy and obviously talented mom with a young daughter who lived with a cowboy husband who seemed to be ignoring her. I made "friends" with her on Facebook so I could follow her more closely.



This displaced Californian was a cancer survivor who, in her own words, "moved to Wyoming (with my now ex-husband) in order that my daughter might have a slower-paced life in the wide open spaces, near her paternal grandparents, where her daddy could prosper in business so her mommy could afford to stay home and care for every day."

From reading her blog, seeing her Facebook posts and looking at her photos it became obvious that something was wrong in her world. Never having talked to her, all I had to go on was the internet evidence but was not surprised when she revealed she was getting a divorce.

Today she dropped a cyber bomb that surprised all her friends. She confessed a secret that as a divorce attorney I am all too familiar with: She admitted that almost a year ago she foolishly signed papers given to her by her husband's divorce attorney, giving her husband sole custody of her daughter. She admitted, "I only see her four days a month. I see her every other weekend, and that's all."

When I read those words my heart dropped to my stomach. This child is the light of her mother's life. All the stories, photos and Facebook posts about this miraculous child and the obvious bond between mother and child had come to this. Some hired gun had helped the client trick the mother into signing over custody so that it would be very difficult for the mother to come back to court later to ask for custody.

This is the danger of our adversarial system. When one side has money to hire the biggest shark in town and the other side doesn't, the poor parent is going to get screwed.

I kept reading the story and sure enough, it was exactly what I had thought. Her own words tell the tale:


I've been living in a state of surrealist shock -- like an acid trip, minus the euphoria, all dancing clowns and skeletons in the closet -- since the day my ex-husband told me he 'changed his mind' and we won't be sharing custody of our only child after all.
Months before John and I sat down with a bottle of wine and agreed divorce was the best option. We weren't in love. In fact, he pretty much hated my free spirited, liberal attitude, my wanderlust, my tastes in music and art, the way I laugh with my head thrown back and cry when I watch the news. And I pretty much hated his conservatism, the way his cowboy boots sounded on my hardwood floor, his obsession with his pick-up truck, the way he wanted a bacon sandwich more than sex, and how he watched CNN from the breakfast table. We had become ill-suited for each other, had accepted it, and were ready to move on.

But, I'd been a cancer-survivor, stay-at-home mom on hiatus from any educational pursuits or work for 5 years, completely isolated out here in the middle nowhere with no family support and one friend. All the sudden I had to get myself a job, a place to live and an identity outside of him.

And I did. FAST. It took me six months to get myself together. He promised as soon as I secured a living environment that was comparable to his -- in a safe neighborhood where Beau had her own space -- that we would share custody of her week-to-week. He told me to sign the custody agreement his lawyer drew up (because it was just for financial purposes that he was named the sole custodian -- that way he would be responsible for the legal fees of the divorce and have to carry health insurance for Beau, etc.)

I did everything he asked. Then, I waited. And waited. And waited. And essentially, he told me, "Fake, just kidding. We're going to go ahead and follow that bogus legal agreement you signed, sucker. You get every other weekend and alternating holidays until she's 18."

Let's be real. I think he and his family were hoping I would pack my shit and go back home to California, or slit my wrists. Which, with no familial support, one friend, no money, lovely genetic makeup, gypsy spirit and history for dramatic exists weren't all that far fetched. N'cest pas?"


This is just another travesty of justice perpetrated by a shark divorce lawyer who saw the opportunity to get an advantage over the "adversary" instead of trying to help a young couple set up a fair parenting plan that took the child's best interest into consideration. This little girl has been taken care of by her mom for her entire life. To disrupt a child's sense of security by severely limiting contact with her primary physical custodian is monstrous. It is despicable that one parent would induce a parent to sign away custody with the promise that they would get 50/50 custody later and then snake out of the deal because their lawyer had conveniently omitted that part of the agreement in the court order. And this is a common situation.

Until couples protect their co-parenting relationship by avoiding these kinds of adversarial divorce attorneys, more children's lives will be ruined, more couples will end up broke and angry. It is time everyone got on the Peaceful Divorce bandwagon. By working together and keeping the focus on the child's best interest, couples can spend their money on their child and not their divorce attorney's child. It is high time we put these kinds of legal dinosaurs out to pasture and embraced a more humane attitude and procedures for divorcing couples.

sheesh.

What do you do when you get so much unsolicited advice and opinions? I went to my grams house this morning for some coffee and chit chat with my aunt and uncle before they left back to orange county, and was bombarded by tattoo comments. let me mind you that i have ONE, SINGLE tattoo, it's not even a big deal at all. and even if I had more, it wouldn't be a big deal because who cares? my grandma never really said anything to me before, just" oh thats kind of big i thought it would be smaller" " its really pretty for a tattoo" and similar comments. today it was an hour of... "well in prison"...(i dont think she's ever been)
"sailors like".....(never been in the military) "tattoos are such a fad" (thanks) "well if you even plan on being a professional"
( i am, a professional mom) and i got so annoyed, I wanted to yell at her and tell her to stop. All I could muster up to say was
" I would never say things like this to you about anything you do". and I left, to starbucks....for some real coffee. blah. I feel bad for being so peeved, but I can't help it. I guess this is what I get right? I have an opinions about everything. Facebook is an open battlefield for my opinions, and I leave them on a lot of status updates. People I don't even know personally! Who DOES that? Oh I know I know...ME. I am sorry for giving you unwanted advice on childcare, birth, politics and so on. Sorry for being such a creep.

green thumb.

I am late on the garden planting, but our backyard was dreadful until about a month ago. It went a very long year with little to no maintenance and needed some major TLC before anything could survive back there. I also planted some potted plants on my deck and have to thank my neighbor Tasha for letting me borrow some of her planters to use, I promise i'll give them back when the plants die :)And our neighbors, behind us, have a massive fig tree that has come through the fence, and I will be picking those when they are ripe, but here are a few pictures of our garden. in seed: broccoli, green beans, carrots & spinach plus some mini-planters of herbs; in plant: mellons, bell peppers (all colors), red chile pepper, zucchini squash, yellow squash, heirloom tomatoes 2 varieties) patio tomatoes, lots of strawberries. I've heard of the birds destroying the fruit, but thanks to our lovely dog Buddha, the birds are terrified to be in our yard. Here are some photos of "Garden of Content(e)".....

future.

I have been getting major baby fever. It seems like everyone is pregnant, or just having babies, and I'm not and I'm pissed. I had a really crappy c-section with Rowan and was told that 3 cesareans is enough for my uterus. I have this issue with children not being in even numbers, like if you have 1 child, you should have a second because it will make them more rounded and not have single child syndrome. I have three, and now my issue is, someone will be left out or someone will not have anyone to ride with at disneyland. Major life crisis, I know. I had Mason super young (19 yikes) and then I had London almost 3 years later. I was done. Boy and a girl, perfect pair, perfect duo, perfect family. Call me fertile myrtle, London was 5 months old, I was exclusively breast feeding and on the pill and she stopped nursing one day and wanted NOTHING to do with my breast. I bought some formula and worked through that disgusting mess and made an appointment to change my birth control from the pill to IUD, 1 week after she stopped nursing. So 9 days later, at my appointment I was told that I was at least 8 weeks pregnant. Shit! Joe ran into the bathroom and threw up hahaha. But Rowan came, and he is a perfectly perfect little redheaded boy with gorgeous blue eyes and a smile that makes your heart melt. We had just moved into this super tiny house that we were doing a rent-to-own with Joe' uncle. It was this adorable 1920's house on a HUGE 13000 sq. ft lot. My husbands a carpenter, we thought of the possibilities of it. But making 4 of us work in it was tough but cozy. Add a new born baby to that, sooooooooooooooooooooooooo small. like 890 sq ft. small.......outrageous. We did it, we made it work for 9 months, 9 crazy months. Then we got this great opportunity with our home, a home of our own. ok back to where I was going with this. sidetracked. ha.
I think that next year, when our house is done with his it's major fix ups, we are going to do foster care. We have room for another little girl in our lives. And I am sure there is a little girl out there who is all alone and needs a loving (& crazy) family like ours. I think next year will be good timing. We are buying a new car this summer that can seat us more comfortable with a third row ( not a mini van ) and we will be more financially set. Moving into a new (old) house is financially draining but rewarding at the same time. Anyways, i'm excited for the future.

goodies

I went on a little thrift store adventure last week, and I was so pumped on it because my kids were @ school/daycare for the morning and I thought that it would be a blast to have some "me" time. There is also this awesome antique store in Hanford that I wanted to go to, but never dare with all the little beasts because I know they would break something and of course it would be outrageously rare/expensive and I would be stuck with it...broken. So off I went, and to my despair, I found nothing great. A few cute little mugs, a few gold frames and that was about it! So I thought for sure I would score at the antique store, walked down to it just to see a written sign saying, "closed for the day see you tomorrow!" No, you won't see me tomorrow because I have 3 kids that are under the age of 5 that I won't have a babysitter for! bummer. So I went to work at my MIL's office that afternoon, went into her spare room and saw this adorable antique dresser and night stand. I decided to ask her where she got them and she said do you want them? yes? and she said thats not a night stand, its a sewing table....double score. I was going to paint them, but I decided they look charming as is. I also got around to hanging up some pictures in my barren front room. We haven't put up the crown molding/baseboards in here yet because we have 2013958230984 projects going on in this house right now! but here are some pictures of my finds :) I also found this adorable tablecloth at target.com and I searched for our store but the closest was in tulare, so I packed up the kiddos and drove to Tulare and bought it. I bought it much bigger than I needed because I figured I could use the extra fabric to make a cute pillow or something else. I also have been noticing for the past few weeks that my neighbors have a rose garden that has the full potential to be beautiful, but instead it's overgrown with weeks and they are holding so many flowers the branches are hanging on the ground. So I did the good neighborly thing, and made myself some lovely bouquets, and even found a peony shrub amongst them in a beautiful champaign color, perfect.

loner.

Sometimes I long for friends that are like me and Joe, into the same/similar music, politics, movies, activities...etc. I have some really nice friends, and this is not referring to them. I don't like lifted trucks, and rhinestone crosses on my hats and studs on my pockets, bling. It's just not me, and I know that crap doesn't define you, but more than likely, we have nothing common. I love that my friends are diverse, I am just meaning more on a superficial level I guess. Do you ever go anywhere and think, wow I would really fit in here? I feel that way in san francisco, or even when I am in san luis. Unfortunately, I can't move. Mason's dad has a dairy here and I can not possibly even fathom trying to co-parent while living that far away. So here we are, stuck, in this small conservative town, where everyone looks alike, dresses alike, looks like "bros" listens to country music, has vote yes on prop 8 & mccain palin stickers on their gas eating lifted trucks. And no, these things do not make you a bad person or a good person, just nothing in common with me. boo hoo

hi.

I haven't blogged in almost two months. partially because ive been busy, and partially because ive been so out of it and every time I thought to do it I thought why? no one reads this, my life is boring....who cares? boo hoo party for nichole.
I've been in a rut. I don't know what it is? I lost 27 lbs, and you would think I would be in a dancing happy frenzy from it, but all I can think about is how I need to lose 20. Little miss not content(e). I had to take my dog bestey to the pound. hardest thing ever. I saved her from there 2 years ago, she was abused, wouldn't make eye contact, and pissed herself every time you would talk to her. she got better for awhile, then all of a sudden she became crazy dog aggressive, even to the point of jumping our fence and joining in a dog fight in neighbors yard. scary. I miss her, and I tear up just writing this last crazy long run on sentence about her. We have been working on our house. Tomorrow we are tearing out the front lawn with this outrageous tractor and then will be planting new grass, no more white trash front lawn, yay. At this very moment, Joe is painting our bedroom this deep teal color, kind of reminds me of a peacock. I'm super stoked. We have white crown molding in there, and 6in. baseboards and hardwood floors....it should be lovely. Rowan finally started walking, he looks so adorable, like a cute frankenstein.
Well thats it, so exciting huh?